On Dec. 12, I decided to blog about Kyra and her progress since Liam came home. And then life just kept coming faster and faster and I blogged on day to day happenings and the blog about Kyra just never got finished. Well, it's time to finish. So many updates on Liam - now it's Kyra's turn.
This is what I wrote on Dec. 12, 2009:
Kyra has come such a long way since we brought Liam home. Understandably, bringing a 2 1/2 year old boy into her Only Princess home life really rocked her world. Her moods began to change quickly from loving, kind big sister to raging, and I mean raging, child. The rages or tantrums or whatever you want to call them were different from anything I'd ever seen from her.
Even before Liam, we often felt like we were walking on eggshells around Kyra - not knowing what would send her into uncontrollable sobs and tears. Something as simple as Daddy opening the door while she was walking by and accidently hitting her could send her into sobs - not because she was hurt, but because she was somehow convinced he had done it on purpose. Anything Kyra perceived as rejection by friends or family would send her into a flood of tears.
It was so sad to watch and frustrating because she couldn't be reasoned with. It was just painful to see her in pain over what were obviously misperceptions. What brought on these misperceptions? Low self esteem? Early trauma in her life? All of the above? Surely all of the above are connected anyway. Questions were constantly spinning through my head. How to help? Therapy was making some impact, but not enough.
Then, enter Liam. There was, of course, jealousy involved as would be expected. But it was her reaction to Liam" rejecting" her that was so surprising to me. By rejection - I mean just simple things like Kyra might try to give Liam a toy and he didn't want it. This was perceived as rejection by Kyra. Any such perceived rejection from Liam sent Kyra spiraling out of control. Not just sobs, but angry, loud, completely out of control and unable to calm herself sobs. She began to be aggresive - hitting him, pushing him, hitting and pushing me - she just lost control of herself. Kyra has never been an aggressive child, so this was so out of character for her. I felt like the fact that she viewed him as
And that's where my writing stopped.
I don't know what I was going to write that Kyra viewed Liam as, but I do think that Kyra viewed and still views Liam as someone who takes our attention away from her. Someone she has to compete with for attention. I know every child with a new sibling feels this way, and many many of them tantrum often in the beginning. But for Kyra, I think this competition for attention was a trigger for deep seated trauma memories of competing for attention in the orphanage. I also believe the "rejection" issue is trauma related - the fact that in her subconscious (and/or conscious) mind - her birthmother had "rejected" her. I'd seen Kyra tantrum before Liam came, and it was nothing like what I saw after Liam came. She turned into some primeval animal - her fight or flight mode went into full fight and she became like a wild animal. It was shocking to watch. I was at a loss. I worked with her attachment therapist, but there was no reinforcement program, no punishment, no consequences, that could help Kyra maintain control. I always wound up getting angry with her and yelling at her because all I could see was a spoiled child. I couldn't see the trauma at work. I didn't know enough about post traumatic stress disorder yet. I could only get Liam out of the line of fire and when she began to grow tired - just wrap my arms around her and hold her until she calmed down. That was the only way she could calm down - she had no ability to do it herself. The tantrums were most often triggered by her perceived rejection from Liam - if he wouldn't take a toy she offered him - but also just sharing or attention issues.
Kyra had been diagnosed with insecure attachment stemming from post traumatic stress disorder about a year before Liam came. We spent a lot of time working with a therapist trying to help her heal and preparing her for Liam. I spent a lot of time reading, researching, trying everything I could find to help her be comfortable being Kyra and gain some independence away from me. I learned that traumatized children exhibit different levels of post traumatic stress syndrome much the way that war veterans all exhibit different levels of post traumatic stress syndrome following a war - even if they all experienced the exact same trauma. From what I can find - how a person is affected by trauma depends on their "resilience" - resilience seems to be part of their temperament, but that wasn't enough for me. I finally found a study done in Switzerland if I remember correctly that determined that the degree to which a war veteran suffers from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is directly related to the level of cortisol in their brains before they went to war. These helped explain one reason why Kyra's symptoms seem to be worse than the other girls adopted from her orphanage at the same time. Temperament and cortisol levels.
I also wondered why all of Kyra's issues appeared around the age of 3. She seemed like the perfect baby until then. Having been diagnosed with sensory integration disorder (also known as sensory processing disorder) at 4 years of age - the occupational therapist said that most kids are diagnosed with sensory disorders at age 3 because thus far they've been focusing on language and large motor skill development. By 3, they suddenly can focus on sensory issues.
The attachment therapist said that because Kyra started pre-school at age 3 - being in that orphanage environment with a large number of kids to a small number of caretakers/teacher can trigger pre-verbal traumatic memories setting off the post traumatic stress disorder symptoms.
We stayed in occupational therapy for the sensory disorder and attachment therapy for post trauma disorder every week right up until we left for China. The occupational therapist put her on a hiatus for sensory therapy saying her sensory system had matured and she had reached our original goals, but they would be happy to reevaluate her after Liam's adoption. The attachment therapist felt like Kyra was in a good place and had made great strides, but that we should continue therapy weekly after Liam came home. When Liam came home, everything came crashing down. Kyra spiraled out of control and as I wrote before - nothing was helping.
Finally the therapist suggested Targeted Amino Acid Therapy (TAAT) and put me in touch with another adoptive mother working with a local naturopathic doctor and licensed dietician to put her daughter on TAAT. Kyra's urine and saliva test showed that her neurotransmitters and cortisol levels were elevated off the charts. The doctor said this was very common for children with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). After seeing Kyra's brain on paper - I wondered how she could function normally at all.
Kyra started the all natural amino acid supplements and within a month, her behavior had changed unbelievably. I was astounded. The rages disappeared. They simply went away. There was no more walking on eggshells. She was no longer in a constant state of fight or flight as her elevated neurotransmitter and cortisol levels had put her in. I wondered if it was just my imagination that she seemed so much more stable, more calm, but we went home for Christmas and even family commented on how she had changed. Now, if she perceives rejection from anyone, including Liam, she just shrugs it off. Of course, there are the normal sibling issues, but they're normal!!!!
Her neurotransmitter levels and histamines were still elevated after supplements, so we did a food sensitivity test. With a partial change in diet, eliminating the foods she was most sensitive to, her periods of hyperactivity reduced greatly. We are now trying to eliminate foods she is moderately sensitive to in an effort to lower her histamines and other neurotransmitter levels.
Since Kyra started the supplements, she has literally blossomed. The outer hard rough layers have peeled away to reveal the beautiful flower that I've always known was there - but didn't always get to see. I'll call her a rose, because beneath that beautiful flower are still a lot of sharp thorns - discipline issues (I blame Craig and I for those), her strong-will, her low self-esteem, and still a lot of anxiety.
Watching her bloom has been the most wonderfully sweet experience. She is (usually) an amazing big sister - playing with Liam and patiently teaching him things. She uses this sweet big sister voice that Craig and I love to listen to - we'd love to capture it on video sometime. They play together- imaginative play with everything and anything from trains to fairies. She's quite the engineer building complex tracks for him with geo-trax or Thomas the Train wooden tracks. They race around the house playing chase and of course, Sophie joins in. They play outside together - mommy and baby in the playhouse or treehouse or riding trikes and scooters. Kyra's good about watching him and Sophie is always by their side, so on cold days I can just watch out the window. They're often happy to just play separately in the same room - each doing a different activity, but keeping each other company. Liam isn't really into crafts yet, but Kyra's creativity has continued to grow with adorable creations out of bits and pieces she's collected around the house. Liam has taught Kyra by example how to play by herself instead of always with me. Liam loves her dearly calling her "My Kyra". She loves Liam and, even though she sometimes says she wishes he was a sister or wasn't here at all, I know in my heart that he is the perfect sibling for her.
In December, a month after starting supplements, she asked to start ballet again. She had previously tried and then dropped all types of lessons. Whether it was sensory or attachment issues - I never determined - but all lessons were somewhat stressful for her. I found a ballet class that consisted mostly of close friends of hers. She is enjoying ballet and decided she wanted to be in the recital in April. I hope and pray she finds the self-confidence to go up on that stage and dance with her friends - it would be such a good experience for her.
She also asked to take piano lessons. She wants to be a concert material pianist right away without practicing. (The apple doesn't fall far from the tree...I'm the same way.) But she loves to play the piano and plays Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star over and over.
Kyra recently asked to take ice skating lessons. Her first lesson was Saturday and she was amazing! She knew no one else in the class, so I really expected it to be hard for her to get out on the ice. She went right out on the ice with only a couple backward glances. She was in very close proximity to kids who were total strangers and it didn't even phase her. And she caught onto it quickly! She was the only one in her group who didn't fall! After all the lessons she has taken - ballet, gymnastics, swimming, piano - this is the first time that she came out and said, "This was the best lesson ever!"
I should have known she would love it. She loves ice! She loves to feel it, lick it, eat it! When we were in Turks & Caicos where everyone was so happy to be warm - Kyra couldn't keep her hands off the ice carving at the beach party!
Kyra even stayed at her first drop-off birthday party! It was a mother/friend/house that we've visited many times for play dates and that helped, but by the time I came back to pick her up - she didn't want to leave.
Skeptical friends have asked if maybe the change in behavior was due to maturation or just getting used to Liam being here. It was a very abrupt change, so I have my doubts. I'm more inclined to believe it was the amino acid supplements. Whatever it was - - it's been wonderful, even magical, a miracle, a blessing. I'm so happy to have my flower, rose that she is, in full bloom.
