When Kyra was 4, she took ballet, but had no desire to be in the recital. Halfway through the year, she asked to drop ballet. Being away from me for 30 more minutes than was absolutely necessary was just too much. I had to sit right in front of the door where she could always see me. It was stressful for both of us, I was sad, but also relieved that she wanted to drop.
This past December, age 6, Kyra asked to take ballet again. I signed her up in a class where she knew 2 of the girls hoping it would make it easier for her. She settled in easily and wanted to be in the spring recital. I paid the registration fee for the costume and wondered if she would actually go through with an on- stage performance at the Dana Center - a large venue at a local college. The months went by, Kyra learned her routine, got her costume which she thought was "beautiful with the flower overlay", and two weeks before the recital said, "I want to drop ballet." Cold feet maybe? Just getting tired of school and classes and practices? Maybe. But I put my foot down on this one. She wasn't dropping ballet.
By this week, Kyra was getting excited about the recital. We weren't allowed to watch the dress rehearsal, but Kyra lined up, went to the stage and the teacher's assistant said she did great on stage. No stage fright, no melt downs as she left me to go to the stage, but then I screwed up. I had promised her I would be in the classroom when she came back from the stage. But while she was on stage rehearsing, Liam began to get restless in the classroom. Another 3 year old little brother was running around in the lobby, so Liam and I went out to join him and his mother. I thought I would see Kyra come out of the stage door where I had seen other little girls come out , but just my luck, her class came out the door I had my back to. The mother I was talking to said, "There they are," and I turned around to see the last couple of girls enter the classroom. I took off running leaving Liam to yell, "Wait, Wait!" and run after me, but I knew I had broken my promise to Kyra by leaving the room and she would be a wreck. Sure enough, as I ran into the room, she turned to me with terror on her crumpled face and sobbing hysterically. Then the anger came. There was no calming her. I held her and tried to comfort her, but she was angry. I had promised. I broke my promise. I couldn't calm her and was feeling frustrated with myself and with her and becoming more and more emotionally exhausted.
As we were driving home, I asked her, "Kyra, what is it that you're thinking in your brain when you're so afraid I will leave and not come back." And then there was a huge breakthrough.
She answered, "My birthmother left me and she didn't come back." My heart lurched. While I had always known this was the root of her fear - she had never verbalized it. This felt huge to me. I explained to her that I wasn't living under the conditions that her birthmother was - the one child law and poverty - and there would never be any reason for me to leave her. And think about what I had done to adopt Liam - the paperwork and meetings and traveling halfway around the world - I had done the same for her. She agreed that it wasn't likely someone would do all of that and then leave. By then we were home and she was hopping out of the car onto something else. I still feel like this was huge, and will be working to "install" these ideas of how I'm not living under conditions where I will ever be forced to leave her.
Fast forward 2 days and it was time for Kyra's recital. Would my screw up at dress rehearsal affect her? I hoped not.
Ballerinas plus Liam before the Recital
A Ballerina Pose before Performance
I left Kyra in the classroom lined up with the other ballerinas 15 minutes before her performance. I explained I would come back to the classroom after the recital, but that we were sitting close to the front so it might take me awhile and not to worry if other mother's got there before me. She seemed fine. She was excited about the performance and happy with her hair (put up by her usual hairdresser that morning), her make-up (so grown up) and her costume. She looked beautiful! I think she felt beautiful. I sat in the audience and from where we were, I could see her backstage looking all around the audience for us. I was glad we were sitting where I could see her backstage. I put my arm up and waved until she saw me. She smiled, waved back and clearly relaxed - she never looked over at us again.
She was beautiful on stage. I was so proud of her watching her up there. She has blossomed so much to be in that place, on that stage. I got a big lump in my throat. She was so cute watching the teacher's assistant go through the steps - even though Kyra knew the routine - she always watches the teacher to make sure she is doing it right. She wasn't the only one watching the teacher though. All the girls were so cute and did a great job. The moves that were supposed to look graceful looked like little girls hopping up and down - they were rarely together - but it didn't matter. They were all just adorable.
I got a huge post- performance hug and kiss!
Daddy and I had a bouquet for her and so did Liam.
She liked being on-stage! She liked performing!
She liked getting flowers.
She liked going out for a special after recital lunch!
On the way home, she asked if she could take ballet again next year.
Two hours later, she asked if she could take gymnastics next year instead,
but not until fall because she wanted to take swimming lessons this summer.
My little timid girl is blossoming.
I hope and pray that she along the way, she gains confidence and finds her passion.
My forever daughter.
