My Birthmother Didn't Love Me

It's 2:30 am and my heart is so full of despair and sadness that I can't sleep. Last evening, Kyra told me that her birthmother didn't keep her because she didn't love her. As many times as I've told Kyra the possible reasons her birthmother had to give her up, she doesn't believe it. Even when I asked if all her Chinese adopted friends were also given up because their birthmothers didn't love them, she says no, she was the only one whose birthmother didn't love her. She can't tell me why she thinks that.

Today, after listening to the second class I'm taking online with a friend, a realization finally sunk in. The class is about how to parent traumatized children. It focuses on post-institutionalized children, but is really about parenting a child from any type of trauma. It was after listening to the class today that it really hit me. I'm parenting a truly special needs child. I've known this for a long time, but haven't really known it. Kyra was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder(PTSD) a year ago, and for a year, I've read everything I can find about PTSD. I know the facts. But it took this class to slap me in the face and say, wake up! Stop asking yourself why your child can't act like other kids her age, do things other 6 year olds are doing, behave the way other 6 year olds behave. Stop being frustrated and wondering why she can't just be "normal" or "average". You know why!!!! She physiologically can not.

So why can't Kyra believe that her birthmother loved her? It is because of a brain that is now hardwired to see herself as undeserving of her birthmother's love. Hardwired to keep calling to me wherever I am in the house to make sure that I haven't left her,too. Hardwired to wake up at night and seek me out - too fearful to even go to the bathroom alone much less back to sleep. Hardwired to be so frightened of being away from me for fear than I might not come back to get her. It is the trauma of abandonment and a year of not being properly nurtured in an orphanage that has created this hardwiring. There is much research to tell me this, but no conclusive research on why some post-institutionalized children suffer so much more than others. They do know that kids like Kyra have a brain that is out of whack. Kids like Kyra are in a constant state of fight, flight or freeze. The behaviors that result from this kind of a stress level are many and they don't respond to mainstream discipline techniques. It can be exhausting which is why I ended up sitting on another adoptive mother's sofa today, crying from the mental exhaustion of a particularly rough week mothering Kyra and just feeling like I'm not doing a good job of it at all.

When I was teaching school, the special needs children were always put in my class. The ones who needed extra love were always put in my class. The principal actually said, "Multiple personalities? Put her in Kim's class - she'll love everyone of them!" And I did. After watching me in the hall with an Asperger's student (high functioning autism) that was in my class - another teacher commented, "I don't know how you do it, Kim. I couldn't take it, I couldn't deal with him, and you just stand there so calm and totally unphased by him. You missed your calling not being a special ed. teacher. " This student's panel of psychologist and psychiatrist suggested at his final IEP meeting that year, that the perfect answer for him was for me to be his teacher all the way through high school. But being a special ed. teacher wasn't my calling. Being Kyra's mother was. I just have to keep remembering the class I'm taking. Kyra's behaviors are the result of deep trauma to her brain and the brain is like plastic. It can be changed, she can be healed.

So today, as I sat through a piano/harp recital with Kyra on my lap while she fidgeted and squirmed, needed to stand up periodically, and actually needed to hang her head down upside down to try and regulate herself, instead of saying to her, "Kyra, why can't you just sit still on the seat beside me? Why can't you sit still like these other kids your age? Sit up and stop hanging upside down!" , I reminded myself that she physiologically can not. My daughter is a special needs child and no, it's not obvious like autism, so yes, people are probably thinking, "Why can't she make her child sit still? or "Why doesn't she have that child on ritalin?" , but I don't care anymore. If Kyra is dysregulated - whether it's because she's anxious or she's been eating too much wheat or she hasn't had enough sensory activities that day - Kyra is hyperactive. She can not help it. She can not sit still anymore than the pianist who appeared to be autistic couldn't stop saying OK until he started playing, or the harpist could barely make his legs work correctly to get to the stage, but his fingers worked fine. They are all special needs.

I am praying that this sudden reality check will help me find a way to stay more regulated when Kyra is dysregulated. I'm praying that God gives me the strength and the perseverance and the patience to help my daughter heal. She has a beautiful inner soul. She has an unbelievable ability to love and a kind and good heart. All of these things are often shrouded by her behaviors that stem from fear - that stem from living in a state of stress. I wish I could just take it all away and give her immediate relief. Sadly, there is no quick fix. What I can do is try everything within my power to help her heal. To help my rose continue to bloom.

Liam On the Potty

Don't read this post unless you have a stronger stomach.... Liam is going on the potty more and more. He especially likes to name his poops. If there are 2 poops - the big one is always Mommy and the little one is always Liam. 3 poops are Mommy, Kyra and Liam is the smallest. If there are 4 poops - the biggest is Daddy and so forth down to Liam. The best time of all is when there are 5 poops! Sophie joins the gang! The Poop Family. : )

Liam's Family Day Celebration

May 25, 2010 was our 1 year anniversary of holding Liam in our arms for the first time. On that day, I explained to him that it was his Happy Family Day because it was the day we got him in China. His first response was, "No, don't take me back to China!" It took awhile to explain to him exactly what I meant and that we were not taking him back to live in China. Unfortunately, I later had to explain toLiam that we couldn't do Liam's actual Family Day Celebration on May 25th because after I bought a ton of Chinese food home - Craig called and said he'd be in a meeting until 9:30 that evening. The kids and I ate the food, and Liam was fine to wait until daddy could be at our formal celebration. We finally had Liam's celebration on Memorial Day.

Our Family Day Celebration celebrates the day Liam joined our family in China. That is the biggest focus of our celebration. We talk about when we went to China to adopt him and look at pictures of his adoption day in China. We not only celebrate him becoming an American citizen, but we celebrate Liam being a Chinese American. We pay respect to his heritage by eating Chinese food, hanging an embroidered cloth made in Kyra's province, Hunan, China, putting out our embroidered placemats, also made in Hunan, China and wearing traditional Chinese clothing. While we were in China, we bought 16 gifts for Liam - one for each Family Day Celebration until he is 18. This year we gave him a toy Chinese drum with his Chinese zodiac animal, the boar, on it. LaLa, my mom, bought cloissonne Christmas ornaments made in China for each of Liam's Family Days. He opened a blue and white one this year. I think Liam enjoyed his first Family Day Celebration. At least he enjoyed the food and gifts!

When we talked about getting him in China, he reminded us that he was not "the man's" little boy - he was daddy's little boy. He told us that he didn't want "the man" to take him. He didn't want anyone to take him. He may have memories of either his foster father taking him from the orphanage or a man from the orphanage taking him from his foster family. I'll never know for sure what he is talking about. He also may be talking about "the talk" I gave him after he kept running off from me in a store. How he needed to stay with me in the store because while most people are nice - there are some not nice people who might take him. Althought I never specifically mentioned " a man" taking him. I didn't mean to scare him, but having one of my children kidnapped in a store is one of my worst nightmares - certainly one of any parent's nightmares. His foster parents might be able to tell me more, as one big event that happened recently this year is that I was able to find his foster parents in China.

It used to be that foster parents would hide their names and addresses in the baby's clothes somewhere so the adoptive parents could find them and keep in touch. But apparently, some of the foster parents were asking the adoptive parents for money or hinting that they were in need of money, so China put an end to that by taking the babies back to the orphanage before they were adopted and bathing them and changing their clothes. Just a month or so ago, I contacted an American man, Brian Stuy who, for a very small fee, can try to find your child's foster parents. Brian is married to a Chinese woman who used to have a shop in Guangzhou, the city where Liam is from, and has 3 daughters adopted from China, one of which is from Liam's orphanage. He was able to find Liam's foster parents in 24 hours. They have sent a letter and several pictures of them with Liam. I have not shown Liam the pictures - my gut said not to show him and Kyra's attachment therapist confirmed my feeling saying that seeing the pictures could interfere with Liam's feelings of security. I do hope he will appreciate them someday as part of his life history and hopefully I can stay in touch with his foster parents so that Liam might meet them when we make a return trip to China 7 or 8 years from now.

We also recently ordered his files from the Half the Sky orphanage that he was in. Half the Sky is a US charity that sponsored Liam's orphanage. It provides sooo many services to orphanages, classrooms, materials, nannies, training for the nannies, the list is endless. Anyway, they keep progress reports and photos of each child and we were able to get them. It's so amazing to have this information and to have photos of him as a baby.

Liam has made great strides in the year he has been here. His language development has been amazing. He has a huge vocabulary and is working on articulation. He sees a speech therapist once a week. He gets extremely frustrated when I can't understand him, so I hope the articulation comes together soon!

He is potty training himself, but refuses to wear underwear. I can only think that since he came to me in underwear, there must have been some stiff consequences for an accident in his underwear and he doesn't feel ready to deal with those memories yet. He goes to sleep in his own bed or sometimes in a "tent" in his room, but still wants me to lay with him until he falls asleep. Some nights he wakes up crying and I bring him into my room, but he's sleeping longer before waking up - sometimes until 5 or 6 in the morning. Then he usually wants to get in bed with me and go back to sleep. One morning at about 5 am, he got out of his bed by himself, came down the hall, and burst into the room yelling, "I did it! I did it by myself! I got out bed and run to mommy's room by myself!" It was soooo cute. One night, he was sleeping in my bed and started laughing in his sleep. I loved hearing that - it means that the horrible night terrors of a year ago are being replaced by happy funny dreams.

Liam is a clown - he loves to just dance around doing these silly hilarious dances whether there is music or not. He especially loves to be naked and that always brings about a happy dance! Liam is particular about his clothes though. He still hates shoes, and prefers to have fun pictures on his shirts like cars, dogs, or sharks. He refuses to wear anything with buttons and is very unhappy when I wear buttons. The only person who he doesn't mind wearing buttons is daddy. I've never figured out what the button issue is.

Liam likes to sing. He can sing the alphabet song from beginning to end and always sings it while he washes his hands. He gets a lot of smiles in public restrooms! He still loves cars, trucks, trains, anything with wheels. He wants to be a fast race car. He also loves Diego, Batman, "Piderman", and "Doo-Doo Man" (Superman) He loves water whether he's in the tub or a pool. He did scare the daylights out of me two days ago when he jumped in a friend's pool without his floaties on. Fortunately, my friend's daughter was there to pull him up - he sank like a rock. I don't ever need to see that again!! Another parent's worst nightmare!!!

He is the sweetest little boy. When he's gone to the dr. with me and I'm laying on the exam table, he stands by me, rubs my arm and says, " It Oh Tay. It Oh Tay." What a love bug.

He's still friendly, saying hi to everyone and giving hugs to people we know. All of our friends just love a Liam hug. He usually enjoys talking to people and has the cutest facial expressions you've ever seen! He is just a joy to watch.

He's also very perceptive about people's emotions. He will say, "Mommy, you angry?" "Mommy, you happy?" "Mommy I want you be happy." He also likes to read emotions on character's faces in pictures books judging quickly by their facial expressions whether they are happy, sad, angry, scared. He loves books and could sit have your read to him for hours. And if you don't have a book handy, he'll ask you to "read" , meaning tell, him a story about mommy, Liam, Kyra, Daddy, Sophie and whoever else he wants to include in the story - Batman, Piderman, or maybe Doo-Doo Man.

Liam has his moments. He wants to be "first" to do this and that, so we have to take turns around here. He has a temper and once he loses it - he has a very hard time self-regulating.

I usually have to distract him with something wonderful to help him pull himself together. He completely falls apart if he figures out I took a shower without him. The bottom lip comes out and the tears start gushing. "Mommy, I take shower wif you."

He is doing better about staying with a sitter or his dad if I need to go out. We still don't go out much, but at least I don't have to face a complete meltdown when I do.

Liam and Kyra have continued to develop a wonderful relationship. They still have sibling rivalry issues that are normal - that's to be expected. But for the most part, they play together beautifully. She's often the mommy and he's the little boy, so when I hear him yell, "Mommy!" and I say "What?", he says, "No, uver Mommy!" They play everything from house to prince and princess to cars, trains or blocks. Kyra loves to mother him and is usually so very sweet with him. She also loves to pull and push him around in everything from plastic tubs to wheelbarrows. Liam positively loves "my tister" as he calls Kyra. When we drop her at school, he is so sad saying, "I miss my tister. I want my tister come home wif me." I love watching them together and I especially love that they will always have each other.

I love this little boy from the top of his head to the tips of his cute little toes. I can't imagine our lives without him. Even though Liam has only been with us a year, it seems like he has been a part of our family forever. As much as he still hates to separate from me, I feel like he's beginning to understand that we are his forever family. That is huge for a little guy in his little world. Hopefully, by his next Family Day, he will fully understand and believe that he is our forever son.